If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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