If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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