Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
