Your mouth is God's brothel.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
