Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
