just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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