so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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