Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
