I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
