hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
