I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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