My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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