Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
