I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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