all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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