I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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