walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
