turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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