We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
