So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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