Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
