and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
