This girl is more easily done than said...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
