we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
