I accidentally had phone sex last night
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
