Who did Billy Mays play for?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
