somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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