Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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