i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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