C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
