Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
