They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
