how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
