I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
