Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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