That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize