you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
