I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
