dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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