New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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