apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
