did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
