I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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