I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
