my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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