i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
