Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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