my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Fuck me I smell like cheese
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
