His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize