the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
