Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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