I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
