He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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