I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
