I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
