i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
