My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
