hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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