So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
it's like heaven, but drunker
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
