I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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