Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just want to make out with him forever
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
