I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
