i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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